Mr. United Nations sings: Maneater

Nobody knows his real name…or where he came from. All we know is that one day he was found beneath the floor of the United Nations. He was cold…and crying. The police were called. They looked mean, scary mean. They said “we’re taking you away boy!” But Boutros Boutros Ghali said, “No! We will raise him as our own. So they did. His accent is strange, but he learned to speak English from worldwide delegates. Oh, they also bought him a karaoke machine. Enjoy his smooth stylings.

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Dirty Doug’s Dog Shit Parfait

Hey everybody!

Do you need a refreshing treat that’s good for the body AND the soul?

Then you need Dirty Doug’s Dog Shit Parfait!

I make my sumptuous parfait by blending fresh fruit, rich and creamy yogurt, and wholesome granola…oh yeah! And DOG SHIT!

The great thing about dog shit is, since it’s natural, it’s automatically good for you!

Another thing a lot of people don’t know is that dog shit is pretty much free! Unless you need a lot of dog shit very quickly, in which case it costs about as much as a box of Fiber One.

In order to make my Dog Shit Parfait just perfect, I sun dry all my dog shit right here on the roof of Dirty Doug’s! Or, sometimes, I sun dry it on my car!

And remember, folks, Dirty Doug’s strives to be the most customer-interactive dog-shit-based natural products store in the world, so don’t forget to come on down for Milkin’ Mondays! On Milkin’ Mondays, you can watch me, Dirty Doug, milk out the dog shit and talk about my special techniques!

And then you can help Dirty Doug milk the rats! (Rats are, of course, just tiny dogs.)

Come on down and enjoy my Dog Shit Parfait!

Coming soon from Dirty Doug’s: Dirty Doug’s Dog Shit Duck Sauce (a natural alternative to those MSG-laden duck sauces!)

Dirty Doug’s Dog Shit Toothpaste (remember, dog shit is natural!)

Dirty Doug’s Dog Shit Tampons (Dirty Doug’ll help put them in, free of charge!)

Dirty Doug’s Dog Shit Dryer Sheets (carry the natural bliss of Dirty Doug in the very molecules of your clothes!)

-Dirty Doug

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Grandpa Sumner

So, one time, a few years back, I was visiting my grandfather with my sister. I was about ten years old. My sister had recently been married, so her new husband was with us too. We were sitting in his living room swapping stories when my grandfather noticed an ace bandage on my sister’s wrist. “What’s that?” he asked.

My sister starts to explain how her husband and his brother were wrestling outside and she jumped in the middle and then her arm was hurt. My grandfather gets red in the face and starts getting all upset. “That’s how it starts, Carolyn! The girl always says it was her fault! What did he do to you!?” And my sisters starts to explain over and over how it went. The two boys were rolling in the grass and without so much as a peep she jumped in the middle and before they could even see that she was in the fray, her arm got twisted the wrong way. It was all okay, barely a sprain.

But my grandfather isn’t having it. He keeps harping about domestic abuse and that it’s never the woman’s fault. My sister pleads, her husband keeps quiet, I wait nervously on the floor. Finally, my sister explains that she knows what my grandfather is talking about, but for realz, this isn’t that!

My grandfather considers this for a moment and says:

“Well, I guess accidents do happen…there was that time I hit your grandmother in the head with that golf club….”

-Christ!

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F#@&!3d up Mash-ups Vol. 2: In the Slide Tonight

Round Two already? Shut up! You know you loved the first one. In this installment Phil Collins and Marcia Griffiths duke it out for radio superiority. Can either really win?

 

-Christ!

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F#@&!3d up Mash-ups Vol. 1: Imperial Problems

Are you sick of the same old club remixes and mash-ups? We were too. So we started a new tradition here at MJ. The first installment pits Jay-Z against Darth Vader. We promise you’ll catch yourself grooving, even if part of your brain is confused…or crying.


Christ!

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Dear Dave, (the scariest remix)

Which Hero? What Hero? Whose Hero? Our Hero.Our friend and Pouch Pal, Dave Danevich, just got married! We’re so proud of him. We’ve been scratching our heads trying to think of the “perfect” wedding present, which got me to thinking. Didn’t Dave once ask for a mash-up of Old Crow and Flip Your Bird Back? He did!

Well, Dave, we did you one better. Here is a mash-up of some of our more terrifying songs, just for you. This is what would happen if you mixed: 1 Old Crow, 1 Flip Your Bird Back, 1 Living on a Farm, 1 God You’re Gross, and 1 Young Girls. I love it. I hate it. Thanks for the suggestion. I hope your honeymoon was filled with baby-less baby-making.

 

Christ! & Our Hero

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Shinto Minimalism


We can’t always get along.

-Lightning Comet

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