Sustainable Masturbation

Chris-iconWe live in green times. Everybody is recycling, going to the local farmer’s market, and supporting local businesses. This has gotten a lot of us forward thinkers involved in the big picture. How do we make the world better all the time? How can we we bring sustainability to the facets of our lives that we often overlook?

That got me thinking about masturbation and the ways most men go about their business and all the waste that lies within.

1) Masturbating on the toilet or in the shower.

Okay. If you are in the restroom and thinking that it’s “go time,” chances are you’re about to waste. Think about it. What are the odds that you aren’t going to flush the toilet if you started out doing something less erogenous? I’m sorry, but the smells of pee or poop are not quite the sexy aromas you want climbing your nostrils as you’re about to get frisky. And the shower? Well, you’re about to be in there a minute or two more than you would have been. Don’t bother. I know you aren’t shampooing your hair at the same time. Whether on the can or in the shower, you’re wasting water.

2) Using tissues, napkins, or paper towels.

This is paper waste friends! Look, you know that one napkin or tissue isn’t doing it. Maaaybe one paper towel, but still. You are now putting into the trashcan what you can no longer recycle. Now a landfill somewhere in the United States will be blessed with your seed until it disintegrates atop a mountain of aluminum foil and old televisions. Doesn’t it all seem sooo unnecessary?

3) Using towels or other clothing materials.

I see the logic here. Do a load of laundry and wash out…all the loads. Here’s the problem: do you wash that towel with everything else? If so…gross. If not, I thought so and we’re not saving anything. More water!

4) Collecting for mass disposal.

I realize before I even say this, that this will not be a very likely method of disposal. But let me furnish the following caveat before I incriminate myself: I grew up in a household that froze food trash until curbside day to keep the animals out of our bins/garage. So…you can also collect your business in say…an old jar or yogurt container until it’s full. In this case, you are doing better than the “three tissue bandit.” But still, at best you are contributing to landfill waste and turning an otherwise recyclable container into a hot (or cold) mess.

I know what you’re thinking: you can’t win! And it seems that way, until you realize:

Masturbating outside is the only true sustainable option. It goes back to the earth without any need for paper waste or excess water consumption! Your energy exists in the pure nature of other, unadulterated energies. It’s almost beautiful.

This is exactly what I told the judge, and I still have to serve 1,000 hours of community service.


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