The Killingest Fight-Person

Which Hero? What Hero? Whose Hero? Our Hero.Now, being as Christ! and I are from the future and whatnot (continuity!), we don’t really have a sense of what’s “topical,” “current,” or “relevant.”

That being said, I’ve been watching a lot of that fucking awful TV Show “Deadliest Warrior” lately.

This show seems to be designed to spit directly in the face of the scientific method. Repeatedly. Intentionally. With great gusto.

After arbitrarily choosing two “warriors,” the show arbitrarily assigns them “traditional” weapons “closely associated” with those “warriors.” Then it groups those weapons in arbitrary pairings and tests them against each other…by giving each weapon completely different “tests.” About half these tests involve pig carcasses full of fake blood.

Well, you know what? If this show is going to boldly step forward and say “fuck accuracy, fuck accountability, and, most of all, FUCK SCIENCE!”, then I’m going to take this concept all the way to the bank.

Deadliest Warrior gave us Italian Mafia vs. Yakuza? Knight vs. Pirate? Ninja vs. Spartan? Sun Tzu vs. FUCKING Dracula?

Eat shit, Deadliest Warrior.

Killingest Fight-Person is giving you the match up of the century:

Johnny Appleseed vs. A cup of coffee

Using methods exactly as scientifically accurate as the competition, Killingest Fight-Person has sorted out the battle between these two fearsome warriors.

First up: Johnny Appleseed!

A vicious American do-it-yourself-er, Johnny Appleseed followed a nomadic lifestyle that left him lean and hard!

Short range weapon: appleseeds

Mid range weapon: more appleseeds, but thrown harder

Long range weapon: whole apples, thrown pretty hard

Special weapon: the Golden Apples of Aphrodite

Armor: pot on top of head

And his opponent: a cup of coffee!

A piping hot cup of pathetically-weak blonde roast from a local fast food chain, capable of giving you a lingering bitter aftertaste and the coffee shits!

Short range weapon: scalding hot coffee

Mid range weapon: burnt coffee smell

Long range weapon: not applicable

Special weapon: coffee shits

Armor: styrofoam

Well, we ran this battle through our complex combat simulator ten SEPTILLION times.

And the winner of the battle is…

…a cup of coffee!

Now, Johnny Appleseed definitely had the advantage at long and mid range, especially since a cup of coffee can’t move or anything. But once Johnny got within close range, the scorching coffee consistently scalded his tongue, cooked his hand, spilled boiling hot liquid onto his groin while he drove, and gave him vicious, vicious coffee shits.

And in the end, the coffee shits were what truly locked it up for the cup of coffee.

Tune in next time, when we find out who is…the Killingest Fight-Person!

-Our Hero

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