Things I Hate #18

Which Hero? What Hero? Whose Hero? Our Hero.Grant fucking Morrison.

Fair warning now, Pouch Pals: if you don’t like comics, or know anything about them, this post may make even less sense than usual.

That being said: again, Grant fucking Morrison.

Sometimes, I stupidly look online and I see people praising his work, while simultaneously saying that people like Alan Moore and Frank Miller are useless fucking hacks who are too far up their own asses to see how utterly stupid their work is.

Then I hang myself.

And now that I’m a ghost, I just have ghost-rage-seizures when I read things like that, because you can only kill yourself once, which is my biggest regret, because I wish I could do it again and again.

The point is, saying things like that about any writer who isn’t Grant Morrison while PRAISING Grant Morrison is like written Schizophrenia.  That shit does not compute.  All those bad things are EXACTLY WHAT GRANT MORRISON IS.

How far up his own ass is Grant Morrison? Well, he couldn’t resist writing himself into Animal Man as, you know, the guy who writes the comics.  Animal Man meets him and they talk about how he’s a comic book character and oh, it’s so meta and cutting edge and avant garde and SHUT THE FUCK UP!  Animal Man is a stupid fucking superhero in a skin-tight orange jump suit who can talk to fucking animals!  Just let him be a stupid superhero!

And, honestly, I like Animal Man.  I do.  But Grant Morrison is the kind of jack-off who has to take an established continuity, and make it about himself.  He’s that egotistical.  You want to write about yourself?  Fine.  I mean, that’s fucking stupid and useless unless you’re a goddamn wizard at writing, like, I don’t know, David Sedaris, but, hey, do what you want…in any medium that isn’t inherently based in existing and continued continuity…oh, shit, like mainstream superhero comics!

“Well, Our Hero, what about when he isn’t just writing about himself?  How are his stories then?”

Fuck you.  You think you can take that tone with me?  I’m going to rape your kids, when you have kids.  And, to answer your snarky question, they’re fucking terrible most of the time, because he can’t resist his urge to turn someone into a fucking cup of coffee or a living snowbank…or a GIANT BLUE CAT (which is what he did to the Beast…and no one has changed it back!).

Or he can’t resist his urge to write someone totally out of character because that’s how his story idea goes, and if he didn’t just invent random powers for a character to have, or dramatically alter their personality, how could he tell his story?  Does he ever stop and think that, perhaps, that’s an inherent flaw in his story?  You know, that it requires complete fuckery to shoehorn everything into place?  Like turning Magneto into a drug-addicted neo-fascist dating a 14-year old girl?  Or making it so Emma Frost can turn into diamond just because he absolutely wanted to use Colossus, but couldn’t, so instead of working around that like anyone with an iota of real creativity would, he just makes a “new” Colossus.  FUCK!!!!!

And, of course, he “kills” Batman after having Batman shoot Darkseid with a magic god-killing bullet and deadpanning the line “Gotcha!”  This is part of the “definitive” Batman story that Grant Morrison has been working on.  He self-defines his run as “definitive.”  I hate this man.  You do not get to decide when your own work on an existing character like BATMAN is “definitive.”

Other aspects of his Batman run are also shitty and pointless, but I’m beginning to contemplate pulling my ghost-dick off and throwing it into a fast-moving river just THINKING about Grant Morrison this much, so I won’t go into details about that, or how he’s such a petulant twat that instead of offering fans an in-continuity explanation of how the bungle-job of Countdown to Final Crisis fit into his Final Crisis series, he just got all pissy about how the other writers fucked up and said it doesn’t fit together at all (oops, I guess I did just get into that; well, good-bye, ghost-dick.  I’ll miss you).

All of that, and people still rip on Alan Moore, who might be the greatest comic book writer of all cocksucking time, and Frank Miller, who may be a big fuck up in other ways but basically made Batman into the ultimate badass, so fuck you if you don’t dig on him.

The whole internet should fall in an AIDS dumpster that is on fire.

-Our Hero

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This entry was posted in Gospels, Our Hero, Things I Hate. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Things I Hate #18

  1. Dickqueef says:

    I remember many teenage nights wistfully staring off into a corner because I didn’t know, or care to know, shit about comics.

    However, I still know Grant Morrison sucks.

  2. Christ! says:

    Truer words never spoken.

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