-Use the buttermilk. No, more buttermilk. No, more buttermilk.
-You’re very pretty…but I can make you prettier with this cheese grater.
-I’m thinking about dinosaurs.
-Look, I’m beginning to think it was irresponsible of me to leave my three year old son in the car while we fuck. Do you mind if I go and get him real quick?
-I don’t want to leave him alone in a strange apartment. I promise he’ll sit in the corner quietly and he won’t look.
-If he does, I’ll just give him a time out.
-So, what do you feel like using today, KY or bacon grease?
-Skullfuck doesn’t have to be synonymous with “fucked in the eyesocket.”
-I am going to pour lighter fluid on you.
-Let’s roleplay: I’m going to be a member of the Klan, and you be Harry Potter.
-Jesus, is that a bloated tick or just a really lumpy boil?
-On a scale of one to “Holy shit, I can’t believe you gave me AIDS, I’m going to fucking KILL YOU,” how mad would you be if I said the condom broke?
-My favorite sex toys, in order, are: scalpel, rusty scalpel, fistful of hypodermic needles, hot cast iron skillet, sack of angry foxes, sack of rabid foxes, sack of rabid foxes and rusty scalpels, any Gordon Lightfoot album on vinyl.
-Our Hero
Marsupial Jones 
Collected from the experiences of Our Hero.
Field research is an integral part of the Marsupial Jones process.
Again, Our Hero issues some valuable advise, which for me, arrives roughly three days too late.
(No time outs were issued/Girls are remarkably receptive to AIDS these days)
Gordon Lightfoot is my nightmare.