Lord of the Fuzzy

I’ve always had crazy good vision.  20/15 which is actually better than 20/20.  I’m the type of person you can count on to read the fine print on a sign across the street.  And the sign is blowing away in a hurricane.  And I’m on fire.  That type of thing.

Well, I recently got a chance to see how the rest of you blurries live.  And, folks, I’d say I handled it with all the grace of a three year old with a skinned knee.

See, the newest medicine I’ve been put on to try to help King Kristen Karl’s Mystery Disease™ has two side effects: upset stomach and blindness.  (Apparently the Side Effect Committee was tired of middle of the line consequences.)  So to be on this medicine I have to start seeing an eye doc to make sure I’m not going blind.  Fair enough, I guess.

Mr Eye Doc Dude put some drops in my eyes and sent me out into the waiting room.  Everything was fine at first but then there was something wrong with my hands.  There were all wobbly.  ShitShitShit!  The doc took weird ass pictures of my retinas.  He tried to show them to me but I couldn’t see them right.  He laughed and asked me how I liked this preview of how things would look in 20 years.  At that point I was convinced I was in a Treehouse of Horror episode and all I wanted to do was pull a high pitched Homer-scream and run out of there.  I had to settle for being driven home.

Back in my room I quietly freaked out.  I couldn’t see!  Why wasn’t anyone else flipping out?  Seeing is a thing I do.  I pouted like a baby and my wife told me, “It’s okay, you just look like Legolas.”  No lie, this was sort of a comfort.  Too bad I couldn’t see to agree with her.

As soon as she left, I decided I’d take a picture of my eyes so I could see what they look like, since the mirror was all blurry.  Anyone seeing the logic here?  So I took a picture.

Huh.

Weird.  It’s all blurry.  I’ll try to get it to focus better.

That one’s blurry too!  What the hell?  Stupid camera.

I’m sure by now you’ve figured out the problem.  And probably anyone else would.  Not me.  I just kept blasting my defenseless retinas with camera flashes hoping this time it would work.  Maybe opening my eyes wider would help.

Ow.  Ow. Ow. Ow.

I have a college degree.

But you’d never know.

I got all discouraged and worried that my camera was broken and decided to just lie down until my eyes worked.  When they did, I looked at my photos and realized I am a complete idiot. But I did kinda look like Legolas.

Someone get me bow.  I think I can make this shit work.

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5 Responses to Lord of the Fuzzy

  1. Dave D says:

    Holy shit, they weren’t kidding. Good luck being the next Davey Jones BTW. Also, you shot brad pitt in the heel, not cool.

    • mjpowerhour says:

      As far as Brad Pitt goes, I maintain I was only trying to make him fall down so I could see up his manly warrior skirt. As far as The Locker — I’m pretty sure I have special elf feet. I’ll be fine.

      -K

  2. Our Hero says:

    Your eyes are like the Hypno-toad from Futurama.

  3. R.T. says:

    Losing one of your lesser superpowers is pretty lame.

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